Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize
