Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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