I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
