If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
