I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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