I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Randomize