I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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