So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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