Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
