no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You can't motorboat a personality
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
