Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
