Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Two words: blizzard sex
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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