Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
