I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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