just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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