I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
