'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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