And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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