my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
