I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
vagina is talking i cant
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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