living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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