god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
