i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
