Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
