Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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