thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
