I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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