hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
