The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
