meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
