The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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