I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
