thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
