Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
