I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
