Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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