Define "chronic" masturbator.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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