This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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