My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
