How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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