On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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