I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
