How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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