Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
