Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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