I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Panties = found
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