I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
