just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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