this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
