I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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