whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
