She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Randomize
