Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
