Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
