Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Randomize
