Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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