I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize