My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i think my mom watched the whole time
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
